Rehabilition: The Three Drunketeers!
by Gambit's Nightmare
Summary: After a night of drunken fun, Remy, Scott, and Logan are forced to live at a rehabilition center. New name! Complete.
1. An Unfair Sentence

**Rehabilitation**

**Chapter 1 – An Unfair Sentence**

"Defendants, please rise."

Scott, Remy, and Logan stood and faced the judge.

"On the first count of the indictment, public intoxication, how do you find the defendants?"

"**Guilty."**

"On the second count of the indictment, public indecency, how do you find the defendants?"

"**Guilty."**

"On the third count of the indictment, corrupting the morals of a minor, how do you find the defendants?"

"**Guilty."**

"Since this is your first major offense, I sentence you all to the Wilkerson Rehabilitation Center, where you will stay for a minimum of thirty days. You may be released after you go thirty days without alcohol. Good luck, Gentleman."

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**Three Weeks Earlier…**

"Sir, would you like to explain why I found you three sleeping naked in Central Park?" Officer Moe sat in the interrogation room across from Remy. Remy had always hated policemen, but he was never sure why. Being heavily involved in organized crime and one of the best thieves in the world probably had something to do with it, but Remy was sure most of his hatred for them centered around those bright interrogation lights.

'_Let's go streeeeaking!'_' Remy chuckled; he could still hear Scott in his head. _'As your leader, I order you to strip and go streaking with me!'_

"What's so funny, Lebeau?" The officer said harshly.

"Not'in, mon ami. Y'got any donuts 'round here?" He smirked. "All dat runnin' around nakey made Remy hungry!"

Officer Moe sneered and slammed the door, walking to the next room and sitting across from a table where Logan was sitting. "Sir, would you like to explain why I found you three sleeping naked in Central Park?"

Logan smiled. _'Dis is not funny, Cyke! Y burnt our clot'es!' _ He replayed the moment in his head over and over. '_Don' judge Remy, it's cold out here!'_

Moe rolled his eyes. "And just what is your excuse for laughing? Do you think this is funny?"

Logan chuckled. "Fuck yes."

At his wit's end, he went into the third interrogation room, and sat down. "Listen asshole, I don't know what's wrong with your friends, but somebody better tell me what the hell happened out there!"

Scott silently reflected on the evening. _'It's called absinthe!' _ He laughed as he remembered Logan's growl as the first shot went down.

None of the three of them really knew everything that had happened that night, and they all pretended they didn't remember the police waking them up. Why? Because the three men were spooning, and Remy was the littlest spoon of all!

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Legal Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel.

**Comment!**


	2. Fitting In

**Rehabilitation**

**Chapter 2 – Fitting In**

The men arrived at the Wilkerson Rehab Center and quickly learned that, unlike other places, there was no burden for them to fit in. Being a crazed freak was actually considered normal. They all shared a single room with a recovery junkie named Chris.

Chris.

Chris had a biting problem, Logan had a scratching problem, Scott had a blinking problem, and Remy just liked to blow shit up for no reason. After all, it was okay for them to act badly in rehab…all they had to do is survive without booze and cooperate with the staff.

"This sucks." Scott said.

"Oui, but it was worth it, non?" Remy replied, putting his hands behind his head and staring at the ceiling from his bed. "Merde, Remy never gonna top dat."

"Chris?" Logan said. "How'd you end up here?"

Chris started to twitch. "I swear, I asked permission first!" He sat up. "She said she wanted it!"

Scott began to laugh uncontrollably. "You bit a woman, didn't you?"

"Yeah." Chris replied. "I also bit the policeman's drug dogs."

"Guess it wasn't dat hard for dem t'tell y'were usin' after dat." Remy said, secretly worried about having to sleep in the same room with their new friend.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

After settling in, the men were forced to go into the large recreation center and interact with the other patients, most of whom where recovering from severe drug habits and a variety of other mental illness. They walked in and scattered, strangely amused that the Rehab Clinic was one of the few places no one would care about their mutations.

Remy went and sat next to a girl who was writing in her journal. "Bonjour, mon name is Remy." He said to her.

"Winona, I'm recovering from a shopping addiction." She said. "I also ate a man's heart, but nobody seemed to care about that." Remy peeked over her shoulder to see what she was writing and got a brief glimpse.

_I like to be the man during sex. Me and my strap-on, it's so empowering…_

Remy shivered and stood up. "Remy uh…Remy needs t'go hang hisself."

Her dark eyes suddenly met his with interest. "Can I watch? Can I touch myself?"

Remy nervously whimpered and looked around to find Logan, who was playing cards with an older alcoholic man. "So," Logan said. "How did you end up in here?"

The man shrugged. "I lost control o'my bladder on my wife's mother."

Logan burst out laughing. "Go fish…Now, was this accidental?"

The man grinned. "Depends on who's askin'."

"HELP!"

Remy and Logan looked over at Scott, who was trying to push a very tall, muscular woman off of himself. Two nurses came in and took the girl out. One of them walked past Remy and Logan on the way out. "We call her Freddie. She's a recovering sex addict and has a fetish for sunglasses. I do pity poor Summers."

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Legal Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel, Girl Interrupted, or Winona Ryder.

**Next Chapter: Group Therapy!**

**Comment!**


	3. Group Therapy

**Rehabilitation**

**Chapter 3 – Group Therapy**

"Remy feels like a preschooler." Remy said to Logan and Scott as they sat down 'pretzel-style' in a circle on the thick mats that lined the floor.

"Remy, how would you know? You never went to preschool." Scott replied.

Logan snickered with him as the therapist walked in. "Alright, ladies, and gentlemen. Today we are just going to talk about motivations that fuel addiction. We're going to go around the room and each of you should name the thing that makes you want to do the thing you're addicted to most."

"My mom was verbally abusive." The first woman said. "And now I'm an alcoholic."

"I just like being high. Also, drugs make my wife less ugly." A man said after her.

Next up was Winona. "Shopping excites me sexually." She glanced over at Remy and batted her lashes. "Almost as much as dominating a man."

And then there was Logan. _SNIKT! _"I was cut up and stuffed with metal and then turned into a living weapon. But, to answer your question, I drink because I can't sleep with that man's wife." He pointed at Scott with his claws. "And damn…she's a looker. He outranks me, so I have to deal with his orders and the fact that my super-sharp hearing picks up on his giving the woman mediocre sex, at best."

Scott blasted the mat in front of Logan. "My WIFE is not into bestiality, Logan."

"I am!" One of the other patients said. She shot a sexually charged grin at Logan, who suddenly became very silent.

Remy, Not wanting to miss out on the fun, quickly interrupted. "She's also not into mind blowin' orgasms, or else she'd come t'Remy."

Scott rolled his eyes. "You are such an arrogant bastard, Gambit. You act like you're God's gift to women and some sort of sex god. You don't even call most of them afterward."

"Oui, but did y'ever consider da reason dey all end up stalkin' Remy? It ain' cause Remy's in love, Scooter." Remy said back.

"Ya gotta point, Gumbo." Logan said, laughing. He looked over at the female therapist leading the session. "Once you've had black, you never go back. Once you've had Remy, you lose your mind and spend the rest of your life trying to find a way back to his dick."

Scott shrugged. "Like it's hard."

"It's very hard!" Remy said happily. "Why ya t'ink dey keep comin' back?"

"That's not what I meant!" He yelled, embarrassed.

The instructor quickly stood up. _Ring! Ring! _"That's the safety bell! Each time I ring it, we all need to stop talking and consider how the things we say can hurt others." She looked flustered as she wrote a few things down. "Now Chris we'll start again with you. What makes you feel the need to abuse drugs?"

He shrugged and looked down, as if embarrassed. "My little sister…sh-she owns the Gilmore Girls on DVD." Everyone gasped and gave him sympathetic looks. "I just needed away to escape from the endless, pointless banter, so I turned to heroin."

The therapist calmly nodded. "And did that solve your problems?"

"Yes, actually, my sister got pissed off at me because I stole all her money to buy drugs and moved out. Problem solved." He replied. Remy and Scott were muffling their own laughter as the therapist rolled her eyes and turned to Scott.

"Scott, what makes you feel like you need to drink?" She asked.

"Well…" Scott began. "I'm the leader of a team of dysfunctional superheroes, half of which are murderers and half of which are females who all manage to get their periods at the same fucking time. One of them disrespects my orders and tries to fuck my wife, who has died and come back from the dead to kill us all, then reverted back to her Martha Stewart-like self more than once. At some point, she picked up a foot fetish, and uhh…my son is older than me."

"Oooooookay, Mr. Summers." The therapist said.

"I'd kill myself, if I were you." Winona said.

_Ring! Ring!_

"Shut your mouth, whore!" They all looked over to the tall, man-ish woman known as 'Freddie,' who had apparently taken somewhat of a liking to Scott.

_Ring! Ring!_

"Whore?" Remy perked up. "Y'may be fucken' nuts, but Remy does like his whores. Maybe y'could come up to mon room later?"

_Ring! Ring!_

"SHUT UP!" The therapist finally screamed. "New rules – you don't speak unless spoken to." She sighed. "Now, Remy Lebeau, tell us why you feel like you need to drink. Other than the fact that you're under the leadership of Mr. Summers."

"In ol' one eye's defense, Remy never got dumped in Antarctica when he was around." Remy smirked and sighed. "Remy drinks 'cause it's fun. Been drinkin' since I was jus' a petite."

"Your parents let you drink as a child?" The therapist asked.

"Mon pere runs da biggest organized crime ring in da world. Not to concerned wit Remy's drinkin'." The therapist's eyes temporarily widened.

"Surely, something happened that turned you from a social drinker into an alcoholic." The woman said.

Logan began to laugh softly. "Gumbo married the craziest bitch any of us ever met when he was just a little guy." Remy gave Logan a dirty look.

_Ring! Ring!_

"Correction!" Scott suddenly chimed in. "Crazy, yes. Craziest, no." Remy and Logan knew what he was talking about. "We have one ex trying to rope him into marriage, one dumping him in Antarctica, a crazy spirit that is jealous, Lili Penrose and their homemade porn, and, who can forget Jubi—" Scott froze in horror as he realized what he'd just done.

"WHAT?" Logan growled and lunged at Remy, who rolled out of the way quickly. "How dare you, you lazy, good-for-nothing son of a bitch!"

_Ring! Ring!_

"Now, boys, remember that words can cause a lot of hurt." The therapist said.

"Not as much as these!" Logan said, waving his adamantium claws at Remy.

_Ring! Ring!_

"Remy's sorry!" Remy shouted as Scott pulled Logan backwards.

_Ring! Ring!_

"Sorry? Sorry you took her innocence!" Logan shouted.

_Ring! Ring!_

"Non, Scottie done dat da last time Jeannie died." Remy said, smirking at Scott. "What da fuck is dat noise?"

_Ring! Ring!_

Logan turned on Scott, who ducked and slid across the floor behind Remy, peeking over his shoulder like a little boy. "I didn't know she was a virgin!"

_Ring! Ring!_

"Get out of the way, Gumbo. I can go around you or through you, and right now, I've got a preference for through!" Logan growled.

_Ring! Ring!_

_Ring! Ring!_

_Ring! Ring!_

_**Ka-BOOM!**_

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Legal Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel, Girl Interrupted, or Winona Ryder.

**Next Chapter: 'Venting Feelings…The Healthy Way'**

**Comment!**


	4. Healthy Outlets

**Rehabilitation**

**Chapter 4 – Healthy Outlets**

"Ooh, baby"

"Ooh, baby" Scott echoed Remy.

It's makin' me crazy! (It's makin' me crazy!)

_Everytime I look around  
Everytime I look around (_Everytime I look around_)   
Everytime I look around  
It's in my face!_

Logan growled and attempted to sit up. His hands had been taped in a fist to each of his sides, and he was in a straight jacket. Remy, and Scott were both equally effectively restrained. "What the fuck are you doing?"

A nurse came in, and helped Logan sit up. Remy and Scott were sitting next to each other, Remy resting his head on Scott's shoulder, and Scott's head against Remy's. "We had to sedate all of you…they seem to be having a reaction."

A few minutes and a couple of songs later, a doctor came in and sat at the desk. "First of all, I think you should all be aware that this is a violence free institution. Another outburst like that and…I'll probably have a breakdown of my own and you'll all end up in jail for the remainder of your sentence. And after the years I spent in the pen, I can assure you that all of you are too hot to be in jail."

"Wait a second!" Scott said. "Did you just say we were hot?"

"And that ya spent time in jail?" Logan added.

The doctor shrugged. "This place is paid for by the state. I'm not really allowed to work with normal people. Registered sex offender thing…no kids around here!"

"Oui, mon ami, but y'can't deny dat Scottie got boyish good looks, eh?" Remy laughed as the doctor looked over Scott and smiled.

Scott gave Remy a hurt look and quickly attempted to change the subject. "So, how about that therapy?"

The doctor looked at him with disappointment and then went back to his papers. "First question is for you, Scott. How does it make you feel when Logan says he wants to have intercourse with your…wife? You're married?"

"Yes." Scott snapped. "And how the hell should it make me feel? I wish I could kill the bastard. I literally have dreams about it, and I wake up all sweaty from dreaming about fighting."

"That's funny." Logan said. "I wish I could fuck your wife. I too have dreams, and wake up sweaty from dreaming about…"

"Dat's doubly amusin', cause Remy also dreams of sexin' Mrs. Summers." Remy said. "Remy t'inks all da X-MEN do, an' a couple of da X-Women too."

"Remy!" Scott said. "It's not my fault your woman hates you. Move on!"

"Non!"

Logan began chuckling. "Gumbo can't take a hint, can he? I mean the whole Antarctica thing was a really big hint. That and her various stints with metalhead."

Remy's eyes were approaching a new shade of crimson. "Whatever, Wolfie. 'Least nobody picked Scott over me." He snickered. "Mags offers her touchin' an' sorts of other t'ings. What da hell does Scottie give Jean? Bad sex, and she still prefers him!" He sighed and sarcastically rolled his eyes, forcing his voice to go higher as he mimicked Jean. "Bad sex or Logan? Bad sex or Logan…Bad sex!" Scott began to laugh at Wolverine, who scowled. "Why y'laughin, Scottie? Y da 'bad sex' part o'dat!"

"So…" The doctor interrupted. "You guys have a lot of unresolved feelings. Tell me about this Jubilee. Logan is possessive of her?"

"Oui." Remy said. "Remy got a thing f'Asian chicks. Nice bodies, right, Scott?"

A bright smile appeared on Scott's face, then faded as he met Logan's eyes. "What was I supposed to do? She didn't tell me. It's rude to pop a girl's cherry and then stop! They get really pissed off!"

Logan and Remy started laughing as Scott suddenly became embarrassed. "Remy wouldn' know. Remy always does his job. As da great leader, y'should appreciate da fact dat spreadin' mon seed around is a man's most important job!"

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"Okay…group counseling did not work, so we're going to try something new." The doctor said. "We're going to paint!"

"PAINT?" The three exclaimed.

"Yes." The doctor said. "I want you all to paint something that will make you feel better about what happened today. You have the rest of the afternoon."

**Seven Hours Later…**

"Alright Scott," The doctor said. "What did you paint?" Scott flipped his canvas around proudly and the other three men looked at it blankly. "What is it?"

"A painting of the X-Men, without Remy and Logan. That would solve so many of my problems." Logan and Remy laughed at the painting. It was horrible! Just blobs of paint everywhere.

"Hey Slim," Logan said laughing. "Thanks for reminding us you're colorblind."

"And an asshole." Remy added.

The doctor sighed heavily and went on. "What about you, Logan?" Logan flipped his canvas over. Instead of a painting, he had painted the phrase "Reasons I am an X-Man." On the canvas, with bullet points

-Might get to fuck Jean someday

-Don't want to miss anymore impromptu trials

-Betsy's ass

- Rogue vs. Remy, my favorite boxing match!

-The gleam on Xavier's bald head

-Women in tight uniforms

-Blowjobs from Ororo

-Protection for Jubilee from horny jackasses

"Hey!" Remy said. "You try datin' a femme wit super strength."

"You aren't dating." Scott said. "You never really have. That's a sad dream that'll never come true. Idiot."

"Shhhhh!" The doctor said. "Alright Remy, what did you paint?"

Remy smirked and proudly spun the canvas around. It was a good painting, one Von Gogh himself would envy. In the painting, Jean was on her knees in front of Remy, Remy was making out with Rogue, and he had a hand on one of Jubilee's breasts. And, of course, they were all naked in it.

……………………………………………………………………………………

By the time the nurses managed to sedate Logan and Scott, most of the second floor and some of the first floor had been slashed, charged, blasted, or otherwise damaged. In the midst of the intensely violent chase, Remy slipped into Winona's room and asked her to hide his masterpiece, then found Freddie and told her Scott was looking for her. Scott was ambushed and very nearly violated by the woman while Logan, following Remy's scent, somehow ended up in the women's bathroom.

Pissed off women vs. Adamantium?

Those bitches beat him down. He eventually ended up sedated and restrained, as did Scott. Remy was found hours later, groggy and naked between the sheets of a bed he'd screwed a nurse in. When the three finally ended up in the same room, Logan just growled.

"Why?" Scott said. "Why do you get to live like that?" Scott asked Remy, who seemed triumphant and quite pleased with himself.

"God saves his bad luck up and gives it to him all at once." Logan said. "Remember this the next time something ridiculously tragic happens to Remy. Frozen to death? Blind? Y'had it comin, Cajun!"

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Legal Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel, Girl Interrupted, or Winona Ryder.

**Next Chapter: 'Logan's Private Session'**

**Comment!**

utsuri – Of course he can, despite having a significantly less loyal following than almost any other X-Man, Scott Summer cannot die!

BlkDiamond – I'm glad you laughed. I'm waiting for somebody to flame me for making fun of addicts, ahahaha.

Gia – thank you!

BJ – I was bored. And I wanted something more interesting. Something that said, 'I like Remy…to suffer for my amusement!'

Inantiodromia – Hahaha, my inspiration for this is the fact that I've been in alcohol rehab for three days. It's pretty fun for the most part, except for the food. I'm going to have a chapter about rehab food later.

Tokyo Fox – Fair? If those naked men were running around naked, it would be a public service, not a crime:D

dizi – That's a hilarious idea!


	5. Logan's Private Session

**Rehabilitation**

**Chapter 5 – Logan's Private Session**

"Logan, tell me your most painful memory." The doctor said to the restrained, duct-taped, and chained-up Logan.

"Uh….I don't know. Having the metal taken out of my bones, having it put back in, I don't really like that much." He said. "It feels kinda like bein' stabbed everywhere at once."

"Mmmmhmmm." The Dr. Susan Jones said. "And how long have you been suffering delusions?"

_SNIKT!_

"Okay…." The doctor said, scribbling something on a piece of paper. "Are you married? Are you currently involved in a romantic relationship?" Dr. Jones asked.

"I think yer being a little too nosy." Logan said, growling slightly.

"I think you are a little too much like an animal to be here." The doctor said. "I voted to put you in the animal shelter."

Logan frowned. "State sent me there once, got fleas."

"Really? Did you like it there?" The doctor asked.

"Yeah. Jus' me and the animals. No Scott, no Cajun." Logan replied, scratching his chin with one claw. He sat up and took a sip of water from a glass on the table beside him.

"And just how long have you been jealous of Scott Summers?" Logan spat his water out and leapt at the woman, growling as he landed on the desk.

"I ain' jealous of that uptight son of a bitch!" He declared, growling again. "He's got one thing I want!"

The doctor, highly aroused by Logan's animalistic behavior, closed her legs and unbuttoned her coat, her revealing top showing her cleavage off to Logan. "And just what is that?"

"His ass." Logan said, smiling. "Y'should see the way the X-Women look at it. Hell, you should see the way I look at it."

Susan looked over his bulging musculature as he laid on the couch. "I more or less expected you to say 'Jean Grey-Summers,' considering your recent hostility with Mr. Summers over the woman."

"Oh, her too. But if I had his ass, she would probably come with it. She sure as hell ain' with that asshole for his sense of humor!" He replied. He sniffed the air. "Holy shit, I smell sex." Sitting up, he suggestively smiled at the doctor, who blushed and leaned on her desk, giving Logan a better view of her cleavage.

"Growl." Susan said aggressively.

Logan growled and stood up, unsheathing his claws and cutting one of the straps of her top. Susan stood up and sat on the edge of her desk, luring Logan to her. When he got close, she pinched his ass cheeks (my spell check says 'asscheek' isn't a word, haha), and looked suggestively into his eyes. "You have nothing to be jealous of…Now, GROWL FOR ME, BITCH!"

Shocked by her sudden change of demeanor, Logan did as she asked, then watched in utter horror as she pulled out a whip from her bottom drawer. "You've been a very bad boy, Logan!" She cracked the whip at him. "Very naughty indeed!"

"Uhhh…" Logan said, backing up. "Maybe should jus' stick to therapy?"

"Maybe I should stick this up your ass?" Susan replied, holding up an object that Logan could only describe as the true meaning of degradation. "Besides, if anyone were to find out about this…you'd get much worse in jail, sweetcheeks."

"Shit." Logan muttered.

…………………………………………………………

**Five Hours Later…**

Logan, Scott, and Remy were called into group counseling after Logan's private session with Susan Jones, the doctor from hell. Logan was thankful for his mutant healing capability when he finally sat down. He remembered the whip and shivered.

"Y alright, mon ami?" Remy asked.

Logan thought for a moment and then laughed at his own deviousness. "Hey Gumbo, when it's your turn, she's a damn good screw."

"Really?" Scott asked. "She actually slept with you?"

"Oh yeah, why the hell do you think group counseling got moved four hours?" Logan replied proudly. He couldn't wait to see Remy after a session like that; it would almost be worth the pain and humiliation he had to suffer.

"Alright." Susan said. "After some very complex tests, I have a few things to discus with all of you. First of all, Scott, I think you may need to exert your authority over Logan a little more."

"Really?" One thing Scott was unaccustomed to hearing was being told to be MORE strict.

Remy chuckled. "Don' drive dat damn stick up higher in Scottie's arse."

"Shut up, Remy." Scott barked. "You heard the lady." He looked over at Susan, who began to giggle. "Why are you laughing?" Scott saw the satisfied expression on Remy's face and rolled his eyes. "How are you doing that? Your hands, tongue, and lips are all in clear sight!"

Remy never looked away from Susan. "Toes, mon ami. Y'should learn dat dey got more uses dan just shovin' dem up Remy's ass when he misses trainin."

"But it's such an important use." Logan said. "Hey Slim, should we tell Rogue about Remy's little art project?"

"NON! NON! NON!" Remy said, panicked. "She gonna kill dis Cajun. D'ya want dat?"

"YES." Scott and Logan said in unison.

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Legal Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel, Girl Interrupted, or Winona Ryder.

**Next Chapter: 'Scott's Private Session'**

**Comment!**

Tokyo Fox – There is something undeniably hilarious about horny mutants.

Inantiodromia – It sucks here. I've lost like, five pounds since I got here. Ick. Glad you laugh, the thought of almost making a complete stranger pee on themselves from laughing so hard amuses me.

BlkDiamond – Here's an update. And, as for Remy's painting, I am fairly sure that no man in Marvelverse could handle all that boob at once. Someone like Remy would die trying though.

utsuri – Yeah, poor Logan. The women's bathroom, probably one of the few places he is frightened of.

Revelations – Hope you enjoy this new chapter. This is a fun story to write.

Nicole Wagner – ahahahahaha, when Remy's session comes up, you get a special thank you. That's truly brilliant.


	6. Scott's Private Session

**Rehabilitation**

**Chapter 6 – Scott's Private Session**

Scott leaned back when Susan Jones walked into the room and sat at her desk. "So, Scott, you're in charge of leading the X-Men?"

"Yeah." He said, twiddling his thumbs. "Sort of. You don't really 'lead' a group like that. I bark, they complain, then they do whatever it is I tell them NOT to do."

"Logan doesn't seem like the submissive type." Susan said, smiling. "Unless someone beat him into behaving."

"I don't even know if that would work." Scott said, missing the innuendo. "The only real upside to all of this is the fact that certain women crave the power. Jean, for instance, gets really aggressive when I display my authority."

"And what about Remy?" She asked.

"Why does everything always have to be about that dick?" Scott said, with surprising aggression. "The man is a walking disaster. Yes, sometimes I pity him, but still, he causes all of his own problems. Really, you should see him push Rogue, and then she pushes back and…Rogue is a very strong woman, let's just say that."

"Sounds hot."

Scott leapt to his feet. "WHAT?" He attempted to get up, but the doctor stood up and tackled him to the floor.

"Now, then." Susan said, straddling him. "Tell me about your wife."

"Ugh…I feel really weird, talking about my wife while some other woman is sitting on my crotch. Actually, I think this is going to feel weird no matter what we talk about." Scott said, nervously. "Let's see, my wife is crazy, and powerful."

"Mhmm." Susan said, wiggling. Scott groaned and clutched at the carpet. "Why do you stay in the relationship?"

Scott thought for a moment. "I don't. Every few years, she dies, and I move on." He sighed and thought of Madelyne Pryor's comparative kinkiness. And Emma. Jean was way too much of a heroine to ever walk around wearing so little. "And then, she comes back. I'm pretty sure she screwed up Emma's brain the last time she came back. N-u-t-s. She wants to have a baby now, and name her Rachel, since we have some obnoxious little bitch kid in an alternate future. Can't stand that girl. If it was up to me, I'd never have kids!"

The doctor looked at him with a confused expression. "It isn't?"

"Ha." Scott said, as he burst out laughing. "No. Not now, not ever. There's a mad scientist with a stockpile of my junk, probably scheming to cook up some optic-blasting little army. And then, get them sick with strange diseases."

"Why would he make people and then injure them?" She asked.

"Because." Scott said. "Mr. Sinister is an asshole. He always claims to have his reasons, but I swear that jerk does mean shit to my family because he thinks it's funny. Separated brothers? Ha! Hiding third brother? Even funnier! Let's make Scott a few kids, and name them all after himself! Cloning my wife? Hahaha! Can't hide from two telepathic, psychotic, unstable, sadistic bitches, can I?" His evil snicker dissipated into a nervous laugh. "Why me?"

Susan looked down at him. "While I can't come to any conclusive answer, I do believe it has something to do with the fact that everyone hates you."

"What? You're supposed to encourage me!" Scott said.

"No, I'm supposed to be honest and helpful." Susan said. "You're quite possibly the most dislikable good guy ever. You're uptight, have no sense of humor, and bitch worse than a woman."

Scott frowned. "How's this for uptight?" He pinched the woman's ass.

"Too little, too late, Mr. Summers." Susan said.

"Isn't there anything I can do to be more likeable?" Scott asked.

Knowing that there wasn't, Susan instead decided to have a little fun. "Yes," She said. "Learn humility." The bottom drawer opened, the whip cracked, and a few agonizing hours later, the three men were called into group counseling again.

…………………………………………………

Logan chuckled as he saw Scott standing next to the door, his lip twitching. "Kinda rough, eh?"

"Shut up." Scott said. "Where's Remy?

"Right here, mon ami." Remy said, strolling in with a nurse under each arm.

Scott and Logan both glared angrily at Remy, who shrugged and smirked. "Can' blame Remy f'bein' irresistible."

"But I could blast your irresistible head off your neck." Scott said.

"Don' be jealous, Scooter." Remy said. "Ain' Remy's fault you're a bitch magnet."

Logan looked lovingly at his claws. "Does anyone else think it's funny that Remy is calling someone else a bitch magnet? Your woman put you in a coma and tried to murder you, plus, she doesn't even put out!"

"AHEM!" Susan said. "After a careful analysis, I've decided that I've found a solution for the hostility between Logan and Remy and your leader, Scott."

"Oui?" Remy said.

"Scott should commit suicide." Susan said. She pulled out a bottle of pills and tossed them to Remy. "Just take them all. It's the best thing for you to do for your team."

Scott threw the bottle in the air and attempted to blast it, but missed and hit the lighting fixture, which fell from the ceiling and landed on his head, knocking him unconscious.

Susan looked at the mess with concern. "I'm afraid a blow to the head might have caused some brain damage."

Logan rudely laughed. "Are you fuckin' kidding? What's a little more brain damage to Scott Summers?"

"Hey, mon ami!" Remy exclaimed, "Maybe if we drop enough stuff on him, he'll become mentally retarded."

Logan nodded. "And then we can make him do what we want."

"This is hopeless. You are all idiots." Susan said, slamming a binder shut as she walked away.

………………………………………………………

Legal Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel, Girl Interrupted, or Winona Ryder.

**Next Chapter: Remy Private Session (and an attempt at chemical castration)**

**Comment!**

Inantiodromia – Yeah, updating took longer than usual. I suck. Get over it!  
Tokyo Fox – Dominating Logan…oh the mental picture!  
draelynn – Wheeeee! Muchas gracias!  
utsuri – Toes are your friends. But never dirty, sweaty toes. Ew.  
Revelations – Hope you like this one.  
Chylea3784 – Sorry if you hurt yourself. I'm kind of a bitch like that. Injuring people with humor. You should see what happens when I start telling knock-knock jokes. J/K  
dizi – It really is the truth. He's so smooth, and then something REALLY bad happens. And then he returns to being smooth.


	7. Remy's Private Session

**Rehabilitation**

**Chapter 7 – Remy's Private Session**

Susan Jones walked into the room nervously. "Control!" She whispered.

"So, Mr. Lebeau, why don't we start by discussing the woman Scott and Logan keep talking about. Rogue?" Susan said, a bit nervously. Remy was going to be difficult.

"Non." Remy said, lazily stretching his body out. His long legs looked ridiculous hanging off the couch, but he didn't care. "Let's talk 'bout you, 'Doctor.' Remy known his fair share of crazy doctors, but y'quickly risin' on Remy's list of da nuttiest." Remy stood up and ripped his shirt off, randomly, the buttons flying all over the room. "Y'sleep wit all y'patients?"

"No!" She yelled. "And I'm certainly not going to sleep with you!" She crossed her legs and attempted to regain her composure.

"Remy t'inks y'came here wantin' to." Remy said smugly, sitting on her desk. "Not dat Remy can blame y'."

Susan pulled the bottom drawer opened and cracked the whip at Remy, who ducked and let it wrap around his boot, then yanked it out of her grasp. "Now, den, how y'wanna do dis? Remy likes t'go on top." Remy roughly pulled her close and kissed her.

The woman indignantly glared at Remy and shoved him off. "SO," she said, attempting to act professional. "I understand your whole team turned on and attempted to execute you. Is this true?"

"Oui." Remy said.

"Pity they failed." She said.

"Awww…Remy's feelin' da love. Maybe he make you feel da love in da best way possible?" Remy wiggled his eyebrows at the doctor.

She grinned. "It's true, you really are incapable of having a rational conversation."

"Remy's capable of doin' lots of stuff he don' do, like blowin' up da planet wit his powers." Remy said, remembering that his powers had been the end of several alternate realities. "But, if it means dat much t'ya, Remy'll behave. But, f'as long as Remy behaves hisself, y'gotta let him put his hands wherever da hell he wants."

Susan grinned. "Deal." After digging around in the desk for a few minutes, she pulled out a stopwatch and started it. "How do you feel about having Scott as your leader?"

Remy shrugged. "S'alright, I guess. Kinda dry on da personality."

"How would you feel about having my legs wrapped around you in a heated fling?" She said calmly. Remy stood up and attempted to come toward the woman. "Remember, Remy, behave! It's only been thirty seconds!"

Remy breathed deeply. "Remy t'ink dat would be very nice."

She smiled and leaned forward. "Where do you see yourself in ten years?"

Remy suddenly sported a confused expression. "Remy don' bother makin' plans. Never gets t'follow 'em. He knows what he want t'be doin' in ten minutes, if dat helps."

"Behave!" Susan said.

Remy grinned. "Remy gotta question."

"I'm the therapist, Remy. I ask the questions." Susan replied. "Now, tell me about Antarctica. Wasn't it cold there?"

"Non." Remy said. "Dat Antarctic snow is warm n' toasty. Kinda like sittin' in front of a fireplace. Course, dat was prolly da frostbite, eh?"

Susan shrugged and stood up. "Remember Remy, you must remain calm."

A few seconds later, she strolled over to him and sat in his lap. "Now," She kissed his neck. "Tell me about your childhood."

'_Merde, dis a bad idea.'_ Remy thought. "Well, Remy's parents abandoned him, lived homeless. Mon Dieu!" He shuddered as Susan rubbed his crotch through his pants.

"Calm, Remy." Susan said.

"Uhh…Got adopted by a thief." His hands gripped the edge of the couch as he felt deft fingers at his waist. "Grew up. Had some fun times, some bad…ahhh!" Remy's threw his head back and groaned as Susan smiled devilishly and stroked him, her hand slipped into his boxers from the waistline of his unbuttoned pants.

"Three minutes, Remy." Susan said. "Don't you dare move." She sucked on his exposed adam's apple. "Tell me about your failed marriage."

Remy's whole body was stiff as he attempted to stay completely still. "Uhhh…ugh!" He resisted the involuntary urge to thrust into the woman's hand. "Killed her brother at da reception."

"That's not very nice." Susan said, sympathetically, then mercilessly gripped him tightly. "I'm really beginning to doubt if you're really able to control yourself."

"Stop!" Remy yelled as she began to quickly stroke him. "Stop!"

She laughed evilly. "What's wrong, Remy?"

"Non! Non! Non! Nooooon." Remy angrily looked up at the doctor, who tapped a button on the intercom.

"Please send in Scott and Logan for their group session." Susan said.

……………………………………………………

Logan walked in and sat down next to Scott, then burst out laughing when he sniffed the air and then looked at Remy. "Hey Cyke, Remy splooged in his pants."

Remy despondently looked at them and raised a single finger in response.

"So." Susan said, ignoring them. "Remy is a product of his childhood."

"No shit." Logan said. "Rogue said the look on his face when he's abandoned to certain death is priceless."

Remy slugged Logan in the arm. "Y'should see da look on Wolfie's face when Scott kisses Jean in front o'him. It's worse dan when we told him we both fucked his little Jubes. Ha, or when he found out he was Pussycat Creed's frere!"

Scott began laughing.   
_SNIKT! _  
Scott stopped laughing.

"Anyway," Susan said. "After careful analysis, I've come to the conclusion that you three are specifically incapable of getting along." She folded her hands on the table. "I mean, we have Mr. stick-up-his-ass Summers, Addicted-to-sex-and-have-no-self-control Lebeau, and their vicious pet puppy. It's just not going to work."

Scott ignored the comments about himself and laughed. "Don't say 'sex,' or Remy might jizz his pants again."

"Shut da hell up!" Remy said. "Least she didn't beat Remy."

"Yeah, Gumbo, ya obviously escaped with SOO much more dignity than either of us." Logan quipped.

"Uhhh…why are we fighting each other? Isn't the 'doctor' the cause of all this?" Scott said.

Susan smiled. "At least we know why you're the leader. Good job, Summers."

Logan growled. "Can we hit her, Slim?"

"YES." Scott replied. "Actually, can we hurt her in a way that won't leave marks? Because, we're going to need to deny this."

Logan chuckled. "Get ready for the pain, girlie." He said, turning on the doctor, who simply smiled.

"Remy, if I'm hurt, I'll be unable to keep my word." She said. "You aren't going to let your friends spoil a possible night of hot, intense fucking, would you?"

Remy smiled. "Ain' not'in gonna come 'tween Remy and hot sex."

"Not even a couple of layers of clothing?" Scott added.

Remy shrugged. "Not even dat, mon ami. Now, if you will, beat Remy later for dis. Right now, Remy gotta take care of dis woman."

Logan leaned over and whispered in Remy's ear. "Give it to her in the ass fer me."

Then, Scott leaned into Remy and whispered something that made Remy's eyes widen to the point Logan thought his demonic eyes MIGHT pop right out of his head. Several seconds later, Logan gasped as his brain processed what his delicate hearing heard from the all-so-uptight Scott Summer say.

"Merde!" Remy said. "Dat's a little too kinky, even f'Remy. Maybe Jeannie need da counselin', non?" Remy turned to the therapist and licked his lips. "Now, mes amis, if y'could excuse Remy f'awhile."

As they were walking down the hall, Scott looked down at Logan. "Did Remy just choose sex before us?"

"Yeah." Logan said.

"And we're just going to take it?" Scott asked.

Logan stopped at a door and knocked. "Hell no." Winona opened the door and Logan smiled. "Remy asked us if we'd mail that painting back home for safekeeping."

Scott crossed his arms. "You know this may end with Remy dead."

"And?" Logan asked.

"Good point."

"Hmm…" Winona said. "I don't know if I'm interested in helping you."

Scott took Logan's lead. "We'll tell you about how our therapist abused us."

Winona's eyes lit up. "It's under the bed."

Meanwhile, Remy pushed the doctor's shoulders down farther into the desk, which held one more surprise for Remy. Susan reached into the desk and rammed a needle into Remy's leg.

"Ow!" Remy yelled as he untangled himself from her. "Remy got two fears: needles, and snow. What da hell was dat?"

"Chemical castration." She replied. "You'll have no libido for about a week."

Scott and Logan, on the other end of the rehab center, finished duct taping the painting in a box and sent it to the mansion, addressed to Remy. They knew Rogue would open Remy's mail before hers. "This is almost too mean." Scott said.

"Slim, Susan might not have beaten Remy, but one way or another, that little shit is gonna get it." Logan and Scott were on their way back to the room when a loud cry was heard.

"**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!"**

  


………………………………………………………

.Legal Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel, Girl Interrupted, or Winona Ryder.

**Next Chapter: An important question will be answered – What the hell would Gambit be like if he wasn't a pervert? Also, Rogue vs. Remy!**

**Comment!**

utsuri – Yeah, you commented on toes on chapter 4.

Tokyo Fox – S&M Queens are so funny. I used to live with one. She had a really mousy, fragile personality, but in the sack, I've heard she made up it. It's always the sweet ones.

dizi – Yeah, I hadn't thought of that. They could always start picking on Colossus. Everyone loves to make fun of people with accents.

Inantiodromia – Glad you liked.


	8. Remy's Bad Day

**Rehabilitation**

**Chapter 8 – Remy's Bad Day**

**4AM, Outside the Rehab Center**

Sinister found a beautiful woman. She had a single goal. "Go into that rehab center, and get a sample of Remy Lebeau's semen. It should not be difficult, the man would screw a tree if he could fit his penis into it."

**Later…**

Scott, Logan, and Chris stood next to Remy, who was still sound asleep. Scott nudged him. "Wake up, Ms. Lebeau." Logan chuckled.

Remy groggily opened his eyes and stretched. "Good Morning." Scott and Logan looked at him, jaws on the ground. "How are you guys?" Remy sheepishly smiled and then curled his body up in the bed.

"What the fuck happened to your grungy little accent?" Scott asked.

Remy blinked and groaned as he stretched again, then rested a hand on his stomach. "It's fake. I use it to get women. If I'm not getting any of that for a few days, it's not worth the effort." He slid out of the bed and stood up. "I'm hungry."

The three went to the community dining area and got trays loaded with food, then sat down with Winona. "Good morning, Winona. How are you today?"

"You poor thing!" She said. "They broke you!"

Remy nodded and then shrugged. "My head feels empty."

"So." Scott leaned forward. "What are you thinking about?"

"Sex." Remy said.

"Why did I not expect that, for once?" Scott replied.

"No, it's so damn beautiful. Man, woman…" Remy began to trail off.

"Oh shit." Logan muttered. "Gumbo!"

Remy looked up. "Yes?" Logan just stared at Remy. "Logan, did I ever thank you for being such a good friend to me? It meant so much, just to have someone there to offer unspoken words of encouragement."

Logan looked at Scott. "I say we tape is mouth shut."

"Agreed."

Winona smiled. "This is my kind of game."

They were getting up to leave when a beautiful blonde walked up to the table. "Hi, my name is Cherry and I'm a sexaholic." She leaned over and practically my her cleavage on Remy's face.

Remy grinned stupidly at her. "You smell pretty, ma'am."

Logan and Scott were a bit confused by the sudden appearance of the bombshell, but this was Rehab, after all. She sat in Remy's lap. "I can get closer if you want to smell." Cherry said.

"No thanks, Ms. Cherry. I smelled you good enough." Remy replied. Logan's muffled laughter caught an angry glare from Cherry, who slid off Remy's lap onto the floor. Remy frowned and helped her up. "Sorry, I didn't meant to do that. Are you alright?"

Cherry rolled her eyes and whispered in his ear. Remy suddenly looked incredibly embarrassed. "I'm flattered but…I've decided to go a month without sex." Scott smiled as his friend lied. Without further warning, Remy sprinted down the hall and slammed the door to their room shut. "This could be more embarrassing." He said to himself, sarcastically.

A few minutes later, Scott and Logan found themselves sealing Remy's lips with several layers of industrial-grade tape, as well as his hands. "What should we do now?" Scott asked as they finished.

Logan shrugged. "He doesn't need a babysitter. Let's go watch tv."

Remy was left unguarded, taped to a rolling office chair. His eyes darted sadly from side-to-side and he quickly nodded off. When he woke up, a green-and-yellow clad heroine was standing in front of him, kissing him with a level of lust Remy had never seen Rogue employ. Kissing?

'_This has got to be the cruelest fucking thing ever.'_ Remy thought as he eyed the collar on Rogue's neck. She had finally done something sweet, kind, considerate, and sexual for him…and he had nothing for her and couldn't say so.

"Whay Remy, Ah don't know how y'got like this, but I must say, it's arousing." Rogue said, sitting in his lap. In any other circumstance, Remy would have found her heartfelt, although clumsy striptease to be horribly sexy. But for him, right then, it was agony. By the time it was over, Rogue was looking at his limpness with disappointment. If this had been any other day in Remy's post-puberty life, Rogue doing a striptease would have caused him to pop the biggest boner, but now, he was just…soft. The duct tape kept Remy from explaining with any detail WHY her performance did nothing for him, and Rogue ended up walking out, crying.

She did not, however, remember to put Remy's pants and boxers back on, and to shut the door. So, there he was. Limp, naked, and exposed to all who walked past their room. After a few giggles, winks, and pointed fingers, he simply hung his head and closed his eyes. A surge of relief came over him when Cherry entered his room and closed the door. He didn't know she was there to collect his semen for Sinister, and, at that point, Remy didn't care.

"Hey there, Stud."

'_Oh shit. Not again! Why does today, very specifically, have to be the day hot women unexpectedly decide to seduce me?' _Unlike Rogue, Cherry made no use of niceties and went immediately to her knees.

After a few minutes, she took him out of her mouth. "What is wrong with you?"

With tape over his mouth he was, once again, unable to explain. And once again, a beautiful woman stormed out, angry at his inability to perform. And once again, she did not close the door. Cherry snuck outside and met Sinister.

"He can't even get it up!" She complained. "That is not my problem. I did everything within my power."

Sinister's eyes narrowed. "Remy must be gravely ill. The thought of him not being in the mood troubles me."

So, less than five minutes after his second massive embarrassment, a certain evil scientist walked through the hallway and peered into the open door. Remy looked up and groaned, the sound barely audible through the tape. 'Dr. Essex.'

Sinister ignored Remy's state and walked into the room; Remy braced his face as Sinister grabbed the corner of the tape and very sloooooowly pulled it away from his face. "Why is it that you are not performing?"

"Da fucken' doctors done gave Remy some bad shit! Chemical castration, Remy's ass!" Remy cried out. "Y'gotta help me!"

Meanwhile, Logan and Scott were sitting and watching television when Logan's nose and claws subconsciously responded to a smell on the air. _SNIKT! _"Sinister is in the building!"

"Crap! Remy is still tied up!" Scott yelled as the two men bolted down the hallway.

"Helping you suits my plans." Sinister stated as he knelt in front of Remy and reached into his black bag, cleaning a spot on his left thigh with an alcohol swab. "This is a very large dose. It should be enough to counteract the shot you were given yesterday and then some."

Just as he was about to inject Remy with the hormones, Scott and Logan came to a sliding stop on the linoleum, and gasped. Remy was naked from the waist down and Mr. Sinister was kneeling front of him. Scott fought the urge to puke and dove for Sinister, toppling the taller man, who accidentally stuck the syringe into Scott's left butt cheek.

"NON!" Remy yelled.

"Oww!" Scott said, rubbing his ass. "What the hell was that?"

"A lot of libido in a little syringe." Sinister replied.

"_**SWAMPRAT!"**_

"Uh-oh." Logan said. "Rogue checked her mail. Sorry Gumbo, we sent her your painting."

Remy's eyes bulged. "NON! Untie me! Remy deserves a chance t'live!"

Logan and Scott laughed. "Maybe she'll kick the shit out of Sinister too." They both ran back into the hallway, intent on being as far away from Remy as possible.

Sinister opened a tesseract and shook his head. "Once again, Remy, I wonder how it is that you put yourself in such unique predicaments."

"Remy'll tell y'a secret y'wanna know." Remy said.

Sinister turned his head. "Is this information valuable?"

"Oui." Remy said. "Scott's getting a vasectomy."

"No, he isn't." Sinister said. "When will that boy learn?"

"Y'gonna untie me?" Remy asked, pleadingly.

"No." Sinister disappeared and Remy was left with very bad circumstances.

Besides being unable to get hard for Rogue earlier, she'd just seen a horribly sexual painting manifesting his lust for other X-Women, and was kinkily taped to a chair, half naked, with Cherry's red lipstick all over his penis.

Remy heard Rogue stomping down the hall. "Remy can 'xplain!"

………………………………………………………………………………………

"So, we just abandoned Remy to die again, didn't we?" Logan said.

"Yes." Scott replied. "Who gives a fuck though? God knows if Jean got her lazy skank ass up here I wouldn't be a fucking loser and do something like that painting."

Logan chuckled. "Those hormones are getting to you."

"Hey, if I flirt with every woman on the team, do you think strangers and heroines would come and give me head?" Scott asked. "Because really, that's all I actually care about."

Logan stood up and walked to their room. Remy was still taped to the chair and half-naked. His face wasn't bleeding, there were no conspicuous fingernail claws marks anywhere, and he still appeared to be healthy.

Logan cut Remy free and then grimaced. "What the hell did she do to ya?"

Remy shrugged. "As it turns out, scalding hot water gets lipstick off skin." He winced and pulled his clothes back on, then burrowed himself under the sheets of his bed. "Worst day of my life."

……………………………………………………………….

Legal Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel, Girl Interrupted, or Winona Ryder.

**Next Chapter: Scott Summers pulls a 'Gambit.'**

**Comment!**

BlkDiamond – Yeah, you know to expect it from me. :D Thanks for the continued readership.  
Tokyo Fox – Hahaha, yeah. Dominant women are funny. There's a basic irony in sexually dominant women that makes me giggle.  
utsuri – I hope this torture adequately amuses.  
Inantiodromia – Hope you enjoyed.  
Doza – Thank you, I really dislike the whole House of M thing. It's weird.


	9. Scooter!

**Rehabilitation**

**Chapter 9 – Scooter**

Logan frowned.

He woke up before his roommates and assessed his rather horrible situation. The always-horny Remy Lebeau was acting like a small child in a big body. And Scott!

Scott was just an asshole.

He sighed and nudged Remy, who was curled up under the covers like a little boy, sleeping rather innocently. "Uh-uh!" Remy moaned, his eyes still closed, as he rolled over and pulled the covers over his head. Logan rolled his eyes and flipped the mattress over, sending Remy to the floor, where he simply rolled himself into the covers and went back to sleep on the floor. Logan growled and turned to Scott, who was sporting a hard-on that was clearly visible under the thin sheet. Logan nudged Scott.

"Fuck off, y'retarded animal." Scott said to Logan as he sat up. Scott saw his hard-on and walked out the door toward the bathroom, making no effort to hide or be embarrassed by his appearance. Of course, he never made it to the bathroom. On the way there, he ran into Freddie, the man-ish woman who had developed a bit of a crush on Scott. She spotted Scott's erection and yanked him into the janitor's closet.

Scott, unaccustomed to dealing with the sky-high (literally) arousal, closed his eyes and ignored what he knew was a horrific sight as hairy legs wrapped around his waist in the dark closet. Freddie, who was much weightier than any other woman he'd been with, threw him off balance. As he tossed and kicked cleaning supplies out of the way, the only thing he could think about was relieving the intense need. It was more intense than, say, every ounce of common sense, brainpower, and inhibition. And then, as he recklessly copulated with the ugly woman, something occurred to him. He wanted her to acknowledge him.

"Scream for me!" Freddie's low-pitched, guttural moans could be heard out into the hallway and hit Logan's ears. Logan shuddered and then decided against saving Scott, knowing he'd be able to mock Summers about this for years.

"NO! Scream my name!" Scott said loudly enough that people were beginning to poke their heads out from their rooms to investigate the source of noise.

Growing impatient and close to release, Scott feverishly moved his hands and mouth over the furry body, searching for ways to make her yell louder.

When it was over, Logan opened the door and found Scott sprawled out in an uncomfortable position with the woman. "Cyke!" He said smirking. "What have you done!"

Scott turned his head and briefly came to his senses. He stood up and put his pants on, saying nothing as he walked back to their room, where they found Remy, still sleeping on the floor rolled up in the sheets. Scott quickly returned to being an asshole. "Hey Gambit, get your human burrito ass up unless you want me to cook you with an optic blast."

"Easy, Scooter." Logan said.

"Fuck off." Scott said harshly. He grabbed the end of the 'Cajun Burrito' and dragged the groggy mutant into the hallway and then into the stairwell. Logan simply watched as Scott gave the sheet a tug and dumped Gambit down the stairs. "I never did like you, Remy." He said as Remy toppled down a couple of stories of stairs.

Logan leapt over the stair railing and hauled Remy to his feet. "Y'alright, Gumbo?"

"Oui." Remy said, steadying his lean figure. "How did Remy fall down da stairs while sleepin'?"

"Hey motherfucker!" Scott yelled from above them as a huge spitwad nailed Remy. "I did it."

Logan suddenly got a brilliant idea. He ushered the impotent Cajun and the horny Scott back to their room, then tackled Scott, holding a pillow over his face.

"Whatcha doin'?" Remy asked.

As if on cue, a tesseract opened and Sinister stepped into their room. "Ha!" Logan said. "I knew it!"

Sinister's eyes narrowed. "This was a trap?"

"Fuck yes." Logan said. "With Scott's women, there is no chance in hell he should still be alive. Someone, somewhere, would have to care enough to save his retarded ass when he gets into trouble. And let's face it, the only redeeming trait about Summers is in his nutsacks."

"So I monitor Scott's well-being. Your point?" Sinister asked.

Logan fell to his knees. "Fix them. Please, I'll do anything!"

Sinister's eyes drifted to Remy, who was despondently wiping blood from beneath his nose, and Scott, who was standing in the doorway watching women go by. "Why is this in my best interest?"

Remy looked up. "You outta see where y'priceless Summers DNA ended up earlier."

Logan picked up on Remy's line of thinking. "He had unprotected sex with an ugly, hairy, non-mutant in the janitor's closet earlier."

Scott suddenly disappeared and Sinister followed him. "Scott, we need to discuss the future or your DNA."

"Okay." Scott said. "In the very near future, I hope to put it in a very hot little whore on the second floor."

Sinister sighed and grabbed Scott, sticking a syringe into his neck. Scott fainted on the spot and Sinister dragged him back to the room by the collar of his neck.

Sinister closed the door and crossed his arms, looking highly annoyed and very agitated. "First and foremost, I am not a benevolent doctor and have no interest whatsoever in your happiness. I do not do favors, I do not run errands, and I do not exist to save you IDIOTS from whatever trouble that you find yourselves in."

_Knock knock knock!_

"WHAT!" Sinister boomed, the sound shaking Remy to the core.

Susan Jones opened the door and strolled in. "These men are not permitted to have visitors."

"Get out if you value having dignity." Sinister threatened.

Remy made a sound that most resembled 'giggling,' and then interrupted. "She ain' interested in dignity."

Sinister confusedly looked around, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. Then Susan stepped closer to him and got inches from his face. "As these men will tell you, I don't take kindly to being disobeyed."

Sinister flashed his razor-sharp teeth at her in a vicious smile. "They could tell you much worse about me."

"No!" All three patients said in unison.

Suddenly adopting the demeanor of a sad puppy, Sinister's expression softened with disappointment. "Someone…is a more evil doctor than I am, the Great Mr. Sinister? Nonsense!"

"Perhaps you'd like to handle this over a session in my office?" Susan said.

"Remy got fifty on Sinny." Remy said.

The three were having an argument about which crazy physician would come out victorious. Scott was convinced that, since Susan was a hot piece of ass, she'd win.

Watching the entire situation unfold with a level of amusement that he didn't dare reveal, Logan considered the fact that Remy's personality was largely based on the fact that he was horny all the time. Without his horniness, he was sweet, gentle, even meek.

Not like Gambit at all. In truth, he actually missed his friends.

…………………………………………………………

Sinister laid down on the couch, feeling oddly cooperative. Plus, if he played her game and won, he would be able to maintain his reputation as a crazy, mean old doctor.

"So Nathaniel."

"Do NOT call me that. My name is Sinister. Mr. Sinister." He said, sharply.

"That's almost cute." Susan replied, equally sharply. "But not quite, Nathaniel. Why exactly do you expect people to give a damn with a name like that?"

He sat up and angrily looked into her eyes. "Why exactly do you feel qualified to tamper with my patients? I practically OWN Remy and Scott."

"That's funny, they didn't mention it during our sessions. Just a lot of rejection. I don't think they like you." Susan said, sarcastically. "They probably just think you're ugly."

Ugly? When was the last time Essex had ever been called ugly?

When was the last time another doctor actually crossed him?

"BITCH!" It erupted from Sinister's mouth loud enough that the three X-Men heard it. While two patients and one animal-like mutant laughed at his plight, he began yelling. "Bitch, bitch, bitch!" Essex hadn't said the word in so long it felt almost foreign. He stood up and walked over to her desk and pushed her down back into her chair when she attempted to stand. He recklessly threw his right foot onto the chair between her legs and then used it to roll the chair closer to him. "Sinister knows exactly what you need."

"Yeah?" She said. Essex used his strong leg to catapult the chair into the wall. Susan hit her head and fell to the floor.

"Yes. A good beating would do you well." Sinister said.

"You can't be serious!" She yelled.

Sinister crossed his arms. "The penalty for interfering with my patients is my misogynistic wrath."

Susan stood up and pushed Sinister, barely budging his massive figure. Then she threw her body into his.

Sinister felt a syringe plunge into his back, then felt everything in his body go crazy at once. "Woman!" He growled, partially sedated, partially aroused by the strange drug cocktail in his blood.

……………………………………………………

When the X-Men came back from dinner, they knew something had gone very wrong.

"Bad woman." Sinister was curled up in a fetal position in the corner of their room, his uniform torn to bits. He was using a pair of scissors to cut hundreds of tiny cuts into the leaves of a plant.

"Shit." Remy muttered. Sinister held out two syringes with labels on them. A few seconds later Remy and Scott had hormones injected into them and Sinister slowly stood.

"So she won, eh?" Remy asked.

"No." Sinister said. "While she proved to be a challenge, I have solved your problem."

"How?" Scott asked.

Sinister handed him the plant. "I transferred her psyche into this ficus. And then I urinated into the soil."

Scott dropped the plant, which spilled on the floor. "That's sick! Won't that hurt the plant?"

"Why else would I want to piss in a houseplant? Is that something that X-Men do?" Sinister asked.

"Only when nobody else is watchin'." Remy said.

Scott slapped Remy on the back of the head. "He didn't mean for you to answer that, moron…Hey! The ivy in my bedroom is dying!"

"Remy got nothin t'hide!" Remy said, smiling deviously.

Sinister rolled his eyes. "How it is that Remy can be that powerful and that asinine at once is beyond me." He opened a tesseract and turned to them. "If you perverted ignoramuses could keep it in your pants, I wouldn't have just been given the opportunity to inject you with whatever I please."

"Wait, you DID fix them though, right?" Logan asked.

"Among other things." Sinister said as he slipped through the portal and disappeared.

The three men stood around the plant. Scott finally put his hands on his hips. "Somebody has to clean that mess up."

They both turned to Logan, who flipped them off. "No way, you're the fuckwits that needed his help. I am NOT touching Sinister's piss. End of discussion."

Scott and Remy looked expectantly at one another.

"Hey, Cyke, if y'clean dis mess up, Remy'll forget y'fucked Bigfoot dis mornin'." Remy said.

"DEAL!" Scott yelled. He stood over the mess. "Getting peed on by Sinister…Ha! Take that, SuperBitch!"

"Very mature, Scooter."

………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Disclaimer: Don't own Marvel. If I did…Jean would be dead forever, Emma would be evil, and Remy would get a decent woman.

Revelations – Ha, yeah. I'm trying to slowly pull them together.  
utsuri – Pity? Remy exists to suffer for our amusement, my dear.  
Tokyo Fox – Back by popular demand in this chapter! Wasn't my original plan, but this is definitely more fun. Much thanks!  
Kitsu Lebeau – Glad you like it.  
dizi – Who do you pity now? Remy or Scott? On one hand, Remy's lost without being lead around by his dick. On the other, Scott having sex with ugly strangers is pretty gross too.  
Chylea3784 – Wheeee! Thanks. I think. I like strange.  
Doza – Originally, it had a line from Scott that read like this. "Remy! You said you hated Sinister and this is not looking like hating! Bad Cajun! Back to Antarctica with you!"

**LEAVE ME A REVIEW!**

**PWEASE?**


	10. esSEX ADVICE

**Rehabilitation**

**Chapter 10 – esSEX ADVICE**

"Hey, look." Scott said, showing Remy and Logan a piece of paper. "The new doctor wants to do some sort of group couples' counseling with us."

Scott walked in and sat next to Jean. Remy sat a few inches from Rogue and Logan simply gaped at Jubilee, who said the doctor requested her presence. Logan felt awkward, embarrassed, and annoyed.

Nathaniel Essex walked in and sat down, wearing a white lab coat. He nonchalantly leaned back in his chair. "They'll hire anyone these days."

"Shit." Logan muttered.

"Please don't piss on me." Scott added.

"What?" Jean asked. "What on earth is going on here?"

"Uhhh…" Scott said, startled as Jean began sorting through his thoughts.

"Wait, my legs aren't that hairy!" Jean said. "You're cheating on me? With a hairball? How come our sex isn't that hot? When was the last time we had sex?"

"Children!" Sinister yelled, panicked. "Scott, Jean, why are you not having sex? Sex leads to procreation!"

There was silence for a few moments, and then hell erupted between Jean and Scott.

"She's never in the mood!"

"He's can't get it up!"

"She's lazy!"

"He's selfish!"

"She's too kinky!"

"He barks orders to me!"

The room became dead silent other than a deep chuckle coming from the 'doctor.'

"You bark orders at her?" Sinister was laughing uncontrollably. "How romantic! I can see it now! Candlelight, intimacy, and then Scott looks at Jean and says 'Mission Ejaculation, Jean! Hurry.' And Jean angrily looks at him, rolls over, and says, 'Honey, I've got a headache'." He continued laughing. "Such a shame, for a woman as lovely as Jean. Really, you live with Remy, I'm sure he could give you good advice about how to treat a woman in bed. Or, alternately, take your woman to bed. As long as one of you utilizes Jean's eggs and womb…"

Scott was horrified, Jean was pissed off, and everyone else was laughing uncontrollably. Jean fumed and stood up. "This is NOT fair. You're treating us differently than the other two couples."

Sinister shrugged and smiled. "Alright." He turned to Remy and Rogue. "Why are you two not having sex?"

Remy shrugged. "Remy don' wanna die."

"Is that all?" Sinister threw something at Remy. "It's a special ring that will enable you to touch Rogue." Remy put the ring on, grabbed Rogue's hand, then both screamed and fell onto the floor. Sinister began laughing again. "Sometimes I amuse myself too much."

Jubilee stood up. "That was NOT funny!"

Sinister grinned. "Of course it was. Now sit down, Jailbait." _SNIKT! _"Don't be a fool, Logan. Every man in this room thinks 'Jubilee' and 'jailbait' are synonyms, especially you!"

"I am not attracted to her! She's SIXTEEN!" Logan yelled.

Sinister nodded. "How long before she's eighteen?" He asked quickly, so Logan would respond without thinking.

"412 days!" Logan said.

"My point exactly!" Sinister exclaimed. "An older, animalistic male, practically searching for a mate, finds a lovely, fertile, unused female and claims it as his own. I believe I read that in a book about predatory animals." Logan jumped onto the desk and held his claws against Sinister's throat. "Now, put those away. I'm sure you don't wish to miss Ms. Lee's eighteenth birthday because your psyche is trapped in a plant. Although, it would be interesting to see if your unique regenerative properties would keep you from dying when I urinated on you."

Logan stumbled back and sat in his chair next to Jubilee just as Remy slowly got up from the floor.

Sinister turned back to the first couple. "Scott, don't be inconsiderate in bed. And learn to perform cunnilingus. If she doesn't scream, you are performing poorly. Am I clear?"

"Yes." Scott squeaked.

"And have babies. Everyone loves them!" Sinister said, sweetly.

"We are not having children." Scott said.

"Why not?" Sinister asked, annoyed.

"YOU." Jean said.

"What?" Sinister asked innocently.

Rogue crossed her arms. "Ah like it how ya just conveniently forgot stealin' his first baby."

Sinister's eyes narrowed. "I like your breakup style." He flashed his sharp teeth at her. Rogue, tired of his antics, simply stood up and buried her fist in his face, breaking Sinister's nose. "Ow!"

"How's that for style?" Rogue asked.

Sinister waited impatiently as his nose healed quickly. "So, do you honestly love Remy?"

"Ahm not answering that!" Rogue yelled.

"Why not?" Sinister asked.

"Ain' your business, Sinister." Rogue replied.

Sinister crossed his arms. "Everything is my business."

Jubilee grinned. "I'm on my period."

"I did not need to know that, Jailbait!" Sinister growled.

"But it's your business!" Jubilee exclaimed, giggling.

Jean cocked an eyebrow. "I have a yeast infection."

"I've got PMS!" Rogue yelled.

Sinister covered his ears. "When will they learn to shut up about their female problems?" He asked Remy, who shrugged. "So, Rogue," He said, attempting to change the subject. "Did you like Remy's painting? The one that depicted him having an orgy with every woman in this room?"

Remy's body seemed to turn to liquid as he slid off the chair and stepped away from the bunch. He stared in horror at Sinister. "Y'don' know what y'done!"

Remy dodged an optic blast that took out most of the wall behind him, then rolled to dodge Logan, who lunged at him. Meanwhile, all three women mercilessly stared at him. By some lack of planning, Remy found himself surrounded, caught in a circle by the angry mutants. Remy spotted a piece of torn air vent that Scott had destroyed and leapt, pulling himself into it and then snaking down the air duct.

Logan and Scott ran down the hallway, blasting holes in the ceiling every time Logan heard something. Of course, they didn't know the rehab center had rat problems.

Meanwhile, Rogue and the other two women were sitting in the room with Sinister, when Rogue suddenly burst out laughing.

"What on earth is so funny?" Jean asked.

"I know why they got arrested." Rogue said, giggling.

………………………………………………………………………

**Flashback**

They were drunk, disoriented, naked, and, above all, having the time of their lives.

The three men strolled through Central Park, floating on the intoxication the absinthe brought.

"Hello, Madame!" Remy said to a woman, who gaped at the three muscular, handsome naked men who approached her.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

She ran away in horror, leaving the three men looking around. "Why did she run?" Scott asked.

_SNIKT! _Logan sniffed the air. "Something must have scared her!"

"What do you sense, Wolverine?" Scott said.

"I can't say for sure, but I think it may be a gang of…cotton candy." Logan snorted and burst out laughing. "Cotton candy bandits!"

"Dat woman was sexy." Remy said. "If we rescue her, maybe she give us some? Or, Remy, at least."

Remy took off in her direction, the other two men close behind. Unfortunately, the stealth factor was SEVERELY impaired by the alcohol flowing through the men, who clumsily and relentless chased after the woman, assuming they were protecting her from some unknown force.

And then they came upon a very, very, very unlucky clown, who just happened to be walking home carrying a bag of cotton candy.

"NON!" Remy shrieked as he flew through the air, tackling the clown to the ground. Now, for the clown, this was a very disturbing moment. Tired, ready for sleep, he was simply on his way home when a naked Cajun with demonic eyes attacked him. He struggled, but turned to see a smaller, stockier man with claws ready to tear his insides out.

"We've had enough of you and your cotton candy, bub." Logan said, growling. "Gimme one reason not t'spill your useless guts right here, right now."

The clown, near tears, looked up at Logan with begging eyes. "I'll uhh…I'll let you take my cotton candy."

Scott crossed his arms. "We'll let you go, but you have to promise you will never engage in these types of activities again. Are we clear?"

"YES!" The clown shouted. They didn't notice the woman dialing the police on her cell phone.

"And," Remy said as the clown stood. "Remy want dis!" He plucked the furry red nose off the clown.

"PENIS HAT!"

………………………………………………………………………………………………….

**Next Chapter: Next Chapter will be a surprise. But it's going to be the second-to-last. That's right, it's going to end soon.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. I think the board of directors would be pretty pissed off if I did and then wrote something like this.

Revelations – Thank you. I appreciate continued readership.  
Chylea3784 – This story is fun. Seriously. Putting them in counseling opens doors to discuss some really bizarre things.  
dizi – Remy just isn't the same when he thinks with the head between his shoulders.  
Inantiodromia – Yes, I am crazy. But you know you love it.  
utsuri – You could be Utsuri, the torturer of hot Cajuns!  
Tokyo Fox – The more shame, the more amusement. This is why it's a good thing these people are fictional. I really don't think a normal person could handle this.  
Iseult of the Snows – Thank you. Hope you enjoy this chapter.


	11. May I Borrow…the soap

**Rehabilitation**

**Chapter 11 – May I Borrow…the soap.**

"Hey Scottie, y'got any soap?" Remy asked, as he grabbed a bottle out of Scott's bag.

"I love it how you'd already taken it when you asked." Scott said.

Logan grinned. "I love it how you cheated on your wife. What a good example our leader seats for us! If y'don't want Jean though, you know where to drop her off."

Remy snickered as he walked down the hall with his towel under one arm, and Scott's shower gel in the other.

"I'm never getting my soap back, am I?" Scott said.

**Fifteen Minutes Later…**

_**Ka-Boom!**_

Scott opened the door into the hallway and noticed bubbles floating all over the hallway and sniffed the air. Kiwi. "Gambit, you son of a bitch!"

Logan crossed his arms and leaned on the wall as Scott stood at the door of the bathroom. "Cyke, what the hell are you bathing with?" He sniffed the air and shook his head. "Some kind of fruit?" Scott glared at him; Logan grinned and laughed. "Wait, not that kind of fruit, the kind that grows on plants."

"Uhh…yeah." Scott said nervously. "Just something I borrowed from Jean."

Logan smirked and pointed to his nose. "Jean uses strawberry. If there's one thing I know, it's what your wife smells like." Scott frowned.

Remy sauntered out into the hallway, a towel around his waist. He walked up to Scott and stood about three inches from his face. "You. Are. Gay." Remy said.

Scott shrugged. "So what if I like that? It's good for my skin and…stuff." He felt increasingly uncomfortable as his teammates stared at him. "Why am I even having this conversation with you two? We're all lucky if Logan manages to use soap and Remy…you're a fucking nutcase, that's really all there is to you. Neither of you would understand."

Remy pouted. "Wooks wike Scott misses his widdle kiwi!"

Just as Remy finished his cruel teasing, Winona opened the door to her room, stepped out into the hall, and smiled deviously. "I smell kiwi." She walked to Remy and licked a few stray water droplets off his chest.

"SEE?" Scott yelled.

"So let me get this straight." Logan said. "If I smell like a fruit, strange, forceful women will come flocking to me?" Scott nodded. "Then, we need to get Icecube some of this shit when we get home."

"AHEM."

They turned to see Essex standing behind them.

"As much as I enjoy watching my specimens interact, did any of you happen to notice that it is 10:30?" Sinister said.

"And?" Remy said.

"And." Sinister said. "You were supposed to be in my office an hour ago."

"Desole, Sinny." Remy said. "Remy forgot t'do something."

"What exactly did you forget?" Scott asked.

"This!" Remy said, pulling the towel off and mooning Sinister, who simply arched his left brow and threw his coffee on Remy. "Ow!" He yelled. "Y'damn crazy…madman!"

Scott sighed. "Alright, let's get this therapy thing over with."

"Give me five minutes" Sinister said.

"What for?" Scott asked.

Sinsiter grinned. "I need to go to the little ficus room."

Logan punched Scott in the arm. "Why the hell did you have to ask?"

Five minutes later, the three X-Men sat down on the couch in Sinister's office and stared at him. There were several moments of uncomfortable silence as Essex stared off into space. "I have a question." He said. "Why can't you three live through something normal people manage everyday? Thousands of flatscans survive drug rehab everyday without the intervention of powerful mad geniuses."

"Ha, who y'callin' a genius?" Remy said.

"Not you, obviously." Scott said.

Logan sighed and leaned back, closing his eyes.

"Do they do this constantly?" Sinister asked.

"Yeah. Always the same. Remy teases Scott, Scott insults him, somehow I get involved, and things go south." Logan replied as the two ignored the banter between Scott and Remy.

"How do you make them shut up?" Sinister said, observing them with a look of panic.

_SNIKT!_

The room became dead silent.

"Well, that's good to know." Sinister said. "Just in case Remy and Scott ever converse while in captivity in one of my labs." Remy shivered. "Now, now, Remy. Don't look so depressed; you're highly unappreciative of your time with me. Now, all you have to complete is the exit interview."

"Den we can go?" Remy asked, his eyes wide. "Ask away, Remy ready to go home!"

"Alright." Sinsiter said, looking down at a piece of paper. "Were you properly taught the physical effects of excessive alcohol consumption?"

"Healing factor." Logan said.

Scott shrugged. "Don't plan on living that long, anyway. Someone will kill me someday. I just hope I can be as lucky as Remy, and have my death orchestrated by my own teammates. I just don't think I could handle death by enemy!"

Remy flipped him off. "If Remy gets cirrhosis, he knows you'll just clone his liver. Right?" He looked up at Sinister, who began to furiously tap his pen.

"No." Sinister said. "I'd harvest your semen and hope for more intelligent offspring." Remy frowned, then suddenly became very pensive. "Tell me you aren't actually thinking, Remy."

He thoughtfully rubbed his chin. "Where would y'be puttin' Remy's seed?"

"Jean Grey, definitely." Sinister said. "Given the choice, I would simply convert her to a walking uterus. However, that whole Phoenix thing is a little bizarre, and, frankly, I don't quite fancy the idea of having her turn my lab into a crater."

"Hey! She is my wife!" Scott said.

"What the hell is the next question?" Logan asked.

Sinister leaned back in his chair and put his feet on the desk. "Do you understand the negative effect alcohol abuse can have on your personal lives?"

Logan tilted his head. "Is that a fucking joke? Alcohol is far less severe than 'having your extra skeleton removed and reattached' or 'hot Asians' or let's see…not being able to fuck Jean."

Sinister looked at Scott, who shrugged. "Apocalypse used to be my mental roommate. That's more damaging than an entire truckload of hard liquor."

"Tell me about it." Sinister said. "Remy…do I even need to ask you this? You're just going to say something asinine."

"Antarctica." Remy said.

"Do you honestly believe that's a reasonable answer for EVERYTHING?" Logan asked.

"Oui."

"The X-Men did attempt to murder him" Sinister noted.

"We've done that about thirty times over the past month." Logan said. "Wanting to kill Remy is a natural part of living with him."

Sinister grinned. "I kept him on an adamantium chain. Very effective."

"We should try that." Scott said.

Remy groaned. "Can y'just hurry up with these questions? Remy wants to go home!"

"I don't know why. Your woman is going to beat you senseless when you get there." Sinsiter said. "Not that anyone, anywhere could blame her. I question your intelligence in regularly angering a woman who could beat you into nothing."

"Remy not interested in y'advice." Remy said. "Y'not famous for women."

"I'm a gynecologist and a breeder. I know more about women now than you ever will, Lebeau." Sinister said. "I can't remember the last time one of my sexual partners abandoned me to freeze to death."

"Hahaha!" Remy said, sarcastically. "Y'so funny!"

"Can we just get this interview over with?" Scott said.

"And just why are you looking forward to going home?" Sinister said to Scott. "You cheated on your wife. Even I'm scared of her, and I can just clone my body."

Scott suddenly cowered. "Holy crap. Do we have to go home?"

"Yes." Sinsiter said.

"What if we drink lots?" Remy asked.

"Too late." Sinsiter said. "I've already signed your papers."

Logan emitted a sigh of relief and stood. The last thing he saw as he left Essex's office was Scott and Remy pleading to Sinsiter for his mercy and the ability to stay at the rehab center.

………………………………………………………………………………………………….

**Next Chapter: The End!**

Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel.

robertsmithseeker – Glad you enjoyed. Thanks for commenting on my work, it's greatly appreciated.  
BlkDiamond – Ask (for more) and you shall receive!  
dizi – I think she's been alive through the whole thing. Although, if I did happen to lost track, it would be entirely true to her character.  
blackwing – Here's more. Hope you like.  
Tokyo Fox – The doctor will come back. And Jean and Rogue will be pissed off.  
Inantiodromia – Aww…thanks!  
utsuri – I've seen a lot of Cajun-ish people, they scare me.  
Revelations – Always glad to please. They're like the drunken three musketeers.  
Doza – Here's an update. I order you to enjoy it.


	12. The End!

**Rehabilitation**

**Chapter 12 – The End!**

Logan, Remy, and Scott stared up at the stars.

"This is just like the night we got arrested." Scott said.

"Except a lot less fun." Logan said.

"Remy always thought y'liked da outdoors, Wolfie." Remy said. "And here we are, campin' outside."

"We're not camping." Scott said. "We're not allowed to go indoors. Big difference. This is YOUR fault Remy."

"How da hell is this my fault?" Remy yelled. "You're the one dat stole Remy's meds and fucked dat furry woman."

Logan chuckled and rolled over. "Which you needed because your painting instigated a fight that made us do counseling with Dr. Sue-the-Abuser." He zippered the sleeping bag. "We owe Essex a favor. Shit, what do you think he'll ask us t'do?"

Remy shrugged. "If he says 'get a gang of killers together t'collect DNA,' don't believe him." He sat up. "In fact, don't believe anything dat comes out of that mouth."

"Isn't that what people say about you, Remy?" Scott asked.

"Non!" Remy said. "Everybody ignores all that 'can't be trusted bullshit' to worship my good looks."

Logan sat up. "I learned one thing about you, Remy. You really are the intolerable asshole I thought you were all along.

Back at the rehab center, Sinister looked cautiously over the empty body of Susan Jones, then at the ficus. "Well, Ms. Jones." He said, examining it. "Looks like this body will be more than sufficient for my next project."

…………………………………………………………..

**Three Weeks Later**

Xavier summoned the X-Men together and introduced the newest employee. "This is Susan Jones, she is a psychologist from the rehabilitation center. I believe she's already met a few of you. She'll be working for us, from now on, as a counselor."

**The End!**

**Please, go on to read the sequel, The Sardonic Psychiatrist!**

**Thank you for reading!**


End file.
